Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Lemon Threw Me Off

Don't get me started on bad waiters. I was at the Hard Rock Cafe with my friends Jay and Mike for lunch one day and we got stuck with possibly the dumbest waiter on Earth. He comes over to the table and he's this huge, muscle-bound, surfer-looking dude with a kerchief wrapped up on his head. As he's handing us our menus, he says, "Guys, how are ya? I'm Julian. Welcome to Hard Rock Cafe. Here are your menus. Are you ready to order, or do you need a few minutes?" Well, gee whiz, Einstein, if you just handed us the menus, we might need a few, right? "OK, I'll be back in a few to take your order and get you started on some DRINKS!!!!" It's 11:30am and this guy thinks we're out to pound beers or something. So he comes back to take our order and Jay orders a grilled chicken sandwich with no bacon, no mayo, no tomato. As he's writing it down, the waiter repeats, "no bacon ... no mayo ... no tomato ... none of the O's!!!" Uh, yeah. Now about twenty or twenty-five minutes goes by and there is no sign of our food. We look around the restaurant for old Jules and saw him bopping, Elaine Benes-styles, over by the kitchen, to whatever song was playing. A minute later he comes by our table and says, "guys, your food in be out in twenty seconds." He starts to walk away, stops dead in his tracks, turns around, and with all seriousness adds, "no, less than twenty seconds." The food came 4 or 5 minutes later. Now he comes back again to check on our drinks. Jay had been drinking Diet Coke, but had taken the lemon wedge out and had it on the table. When Mike finished his water he tossed the lemon into his empty glass. Julian grabs both glasses and comes back with two Diet Cokes. He puts them on the table, starts to walk away, and then, looking very baffled, says to Mike, "wait, you weren't drinking Diet Coke." He picks it up again, and as he walks away says out loud to himself, "the lemon threw me off!" Julian comes back later to check on us, sees my plate empty, and asks if he can take it. "Yeah, I'm all set," I respond. "You want the check," he concludes. "Uh, no, not yet, but I'm done with my food." With a very condescending tone, he replies, "when you say, 'all set,' what I hear is, 'I want the check." Alrighty then, pal. Get those ears checked. We finally got out of there and talked about this lunatic the whole way home. Weirdo. Don't get me started.

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