Tuesday, November 13, 2007

No "Mercy Rule" In the NFL

Don't get me started on all this crybaby criticism of the New England Patriots. I am so sick of hearing about how the Pats are "running up the score" in games. Hey, Little Johnny, this isn't grade school -- it's the NFL. There's no mercy rule. Fans pay a LOT of money to buy tickets and attend games. Some people travel hundreds of miles and stay in hotels to see their team play. What they're paying for is the right to see two teams play as well as they can for 60 minutes. The team that's losing should maybe consider stepping up its defence instead of complaining about Tom Brady playing in the fourth quarter. No disrespect to the backup quarterbacks, but very few fans -- including the opposing team's fans -- are there to see Matt Cassel or Matt Gutierrez throw the ball. Consider a few things. If one team has a commanding lead going into the final quarter, why does it make any more sense for them to shut down their offence and play to less than their ability than it does for the losing team to concede the loss or forfeit? It doesn't -- in neither case is it what the fans paid to see. Both sides owe the fans their best effort. Consider also that keeping the premium players on the field late in the game exposes them to greater risks of injury. Does anyone seriously think Bill Belichick wants Tom Brady or Randy Moss injured? Why keep them out there? Either because the coach thinks there's a legitimate chance of the other team mounting a comeback or because he recognises a duty to the fans not to mail it in for the rest of the game. Is it disrespectful to another team to act as though there's still a possibility for them to mount a comeback? Isn't it more disrespectful to act as though the game were a fait accompli? Most players and coaches seem to understand this, but there is a distinct minority of crybabies out there who would seem to prefer if the Patriots just kicked field goals and punted the entire second half. Is that good sportsmanship? It's certainly not good entertainment. It may not be fun to be on the losing side of a record-setting blowout, but there's enough parity in the NFL as it is. And let's remember the Patriots were pretty much invisible for the first 41 years of their history. Let go of your jealousy and just enjoy watching what is possibly the greatest football team ever. And ease off Bill Belichick; he's just a coach in a comfy sweatshirt trying to do his job. It amazes me that people have nothing better to talk about than what a football coach wears. But that's a topic for another post; don't get me started.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Sum of All Douchebags


Last night Brian and I found ourselves back at Croxley Ales (there's a surprise) to watch some football. I don't know what it is about a lot of the people that watch football in bars on Sunday afternoons, but it definitely seems like many of them fall into the "douchebag" category. For instance, there was this small group of guys who were clearly Giants fans based on one of their NY Giants hoodies who was just a moron. I mean the guy was all over the place and extremely intoxicated. He kept running back and forth between the table section and the bar, and even though the bar was relatively empty, he felt the need to sit right next to me and keep bumping into me. He would order a Paulaner which comes in an enormous glass, drink 2/3 of it and have the bartender pour the rest out and then he would order another one. Why order a beer that comes in such a large glass if you're not going to finish it?!!? His douchebag partners in crime weren't much better. The sum of all douchebags is clearly ZERO! Don't get me started!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

What day is Thankgiving this year?


Don't get me started on my secretary. Yesterday at my law firm the following conversation took place between my secretary and an associate friend of mine. (The names have been changed to protect identifies.) It's important to note that my secretary is in her forties and has lived in the U.S. her whole life.

* * * * * *

CHARLIE: The day after Thanksgiving is the only day I’m off work that my wife isn’t, she works for the courts and they’re not closed the day after Thanksgiving.

LAURIE: Well that won't affect you this year; it’s on Friday.

CHARLIE (confused): What’s on Friday?

LAURIE: Thanksgiving.

CHARLIE: Uh ... no, it’s Thursday. It’s always Thursday.

LAURIE: No, I’m pretty sure it falls on Friday this year.

CHARLIE: Noooo … it’s always Thursday, the fourth Thursday in November.

LAURIE: Let me look at the calendar. (Looks over calendar for a few seconds.) O wait, no it’s on Sunday.

At this point Charlie’s barely able to keep from cracking up. Another secretary interjects:

JEAN: No, Charlie’s right. It’s always on Thursday.

LAURIE: Well all I know is I’m going to somebody’s house to eat a lot of food, whatever day it is.

* * * * * *

Scary stuff, my friends, scary stuff. Don't get me started.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Having a bad day? Watch this...

Every time I'm having a bad day, I watch this clip on YouTube and it makes me laugh. Ya gotta feel a little bit bad for the old guy, but it will still make you smile...

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Lemon Threw Me Off

Don't get me started on bad waiters. I was at the Hard Rock Cafe with my friends Jay and Mike for lunch one day and we got stuck with possibly the dumbest waiter on Earth. He comes over to the table and he's this huge, muscle-bound, surfer-looking dude with a kerchief wrapped up on his head. As he's handing us our menus, he says, "Guys, how are ya? I'm Julian. Welcome to Hard Rock Cafe. Here are your menus. Are you ready to order, or do you need a few minutes?" Well, gee whiz, Einstein, if you just handed us the menus, we might need a few, right? "OK, I'll be back in a few to take your order and get you started on some DRINKS!!!!" It's 11:30am and this guy thinks we're out to pound beers or something. So he comes back to take our order and Jay orders a grilled chicken sandwich with no bacon, no mayo, no tomato. As he's writing it down, the waiter repeats, "no bacon ... no mayo ... no tomato ... none of the O's!!!" Uh, yeah. Now about twenty or twenty-five minutes goes by and there is no sign of our food. We look around the restaurant for old Jules and saw him bopping, Elaine Benes-styles, over by the kitchen, to whatever song was playing. A minute later he comes by our table and says, "guys, your food in be out in twenty seconds." He starts to walk away, stops dead in his tracks, turns around, and with all seriousness adds, "no, less than twenty seconds." The food came 4 or 5 minutes later. Now he comes back again to check on our drinks. Jay had been drinking Diet Coke, but had taken the lemon wedge out and had it on the table. When Mike finished his water he tossed the lemon into his empty glass. Julian grabs both glasses and comes back with two Diet Cokes. He puts them on the table, starts to walk away, and then, looking very baffled, says to Mike, "wait, you weren't drinking Diet Coke." He picks it up again, and as he walks away says out loud to himself, "the lemon threw me off!" Julian comes back later to check on us, sees my plate empty, and asks if he can take it. "Yeah, I'm all set," I respond. "You want the check," he concludes. "Uh, no, not yet, but I'm done with my food." With a very condescending tone, he replies, "when you say, 'all set,' what I hear is, 'I want the check." Alrighty then, pal. Get those ears checked. We finally got out of there and talked about this lunatic the whole way home. Weirdo. Don't get me started.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

How lazy are we?


While I was on my way into work this morning, I was wondering what I could possibly post here today. I got all the way to the elevator of my building when it was handed to me on a silver platter. I show my building ID and then step into the elevator with another gentleman. I press 12, and the other guy presses.....wait for it.......................2!!?!?! I wanted to punch him in the throat, or tell him that I knew why he was 25lbs overweight. Are we that lazy as a nation that we can't walk the one flight of stairs to the second floor when other people are waiting to go to say...the 12th? Come on people! Don't get me started!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Night of the Candle Girl



Don't get me started on women and mixed signals. I was taking a class at Hofstra University (it's on Long Island) and one Friday started talking to this very attractive, dark-haired girl who sat next to me. She seemed to have a bit of a cough that day, but after taking some cough syrup it cleared right up. After class, she invited me to hang out with her, and then after talking for an hour or so she asked if I had plans for the evening. I didn't, and she asked if I wanted to come to Brooklyn with her to run a quick errand and then "go have some fun." I took her up on that offer, and she said, "I need to pick up some stuff at my apartment." We went to her apartment, right off campus, where she proceeded to stuff a huge laundry bag with her clothes, which were all over the floor. When she finished, she went to her bureau, took two condoms out of the top drawer, and tossed them on her bed. Then she walks over to me and plants a nice kiss on the lips. "Let's go!" Off to Brooklyn, and it turns out we're going to her mom's house to do laundry. So for about 2 hours I'm sitting at a kitchen table with her, her mom and her mom's boyfriend having coffee & cake while the laundry's being done. When it's finally done, her mom asks her if we can drop off some prescriptions at grandma's house before leaving Brooklyn. So off we go to grandma's house. An hour there, as she chats with grandma and I chat with grandpa, a retired cop who wears boxer shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt, socks, and a gun in a holster. As we're leaving, she gives me another kiss on the lips and says, "I just gotta pick up something from my father's house -- it's nearby." I asked if her father was home. "No, he's probably out f--king his skank." Alrighty then. We go to the father's house and what she has to pick up is her little dog. The three of us finally head back out to Long Island -- it's after midnight now. "You're probably tired after driving around so much," she says, "you should stay at my place tonight." I respond, "yeah, you know, maybe I should." So we get back to her place and she tells me to get comfortable; then she goes into the bathroom. I followed the George Costanza "make yourself comfortable" rule and took off my shoes and sat on the bed (condoms still front & centre). She comes back in wearing a black satin nightie, lights up 3 candles, and turns off the lights. What do you expect to happen at this point? You bet your f-ing ass. So she gets on the bed with me and we start making out. Only -- just then -- after a minute or two of making out -- the cough comes back. No joke. No little tickle in the throat. A rolling, hacking, sounds like a thunderstorm in her lungs kind of cough. To make a long story short, I sat up with her for the next two hours while she coughed up phlegm. "Maybe I could go get you some more cough medicine from CVS," I offered, while thinking "hack it up or just flip over!!!" Nope, she assured me it would clear up any minute. Eventually we both fell asleep. Woke up the next morning and walked the dog for her. We hung out several times after that but I never got that close again. "You were really nice to stay up with me when I had that cough that night," she told me once, years later, "you're a really good friend." Yeah, if you only knew that I needed glue solvent to take my pants off the next day. Don't get me started.

LET 'EM OFF, PEOPLE!



Don't get me started on the subway, or more specifically other subway riders. Every day I take the #1 train from Canal St. to Penn Station, and every single day I have to fight my way off the subway because people waiting to get on the train can't grasp the concept of stepping out of the way for a minute. Do they think the train is going to leave as people are still exiting? And then there's always the one guy with the back pack who's the last person to crowd into the train. The door closes on his backpack and it takes 10 people to scream at him before he realizes he's holding up the whole train. Are people that oblivious to their surroundings? Oh...the backpack guy is also the guy playing his iPod so loud that people in the next car can hear. No wonder.....

Pumpkin Pie Piracy


Don't get me started on my boss. The managing partner at my law firm is a notorious cheapskate. A day or two before Thanksgiving, a client sent about 20 assorted pies to our office (we employ over 100 people), intending them to be for the firm's employees to enjoy during lunch or coffee break. When the pies were delivered, the receptionist called the office manager to ask whether she should put them in the kitchen. The office manager called the managing partner, who ordered that all the pies be brought up to his office. He gave some to the other partners (all guys making six figures) and took the rest home for himself. I only found out about the pies because the client who had sent them called a month or so later to ask a fellow associate of mine how everybody enjoyed the Thanksgiving pies. His response? "What pies?" I guess Scrooge didn't need to pay for Thanksgiving dessert that year.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Only 2 buy-backs? What gives?!?!


Don't get me wrong...I love my regular bar, Croxley Ales in Rockville Centre, but after watching an entire football game at the bar last night with my friend Brian, we almost fell off our stools when we got the check. 10 Beers between the two of us, plus wings, chicken pot pie (see picture-yummy), and shepherd's pie, and only 2 free beers! They always tell us that they can't do much when it's slow, but last night it was PACKED for the Colts-Pats game. We figured they'd pick up at least 4 beers. Our highest tab yet!! What gives?? Don't get me started!!